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Inspired by the
Hitch hiker's guide to the galaxy, this is a spoof on computers.
Well, it seems so ironical that the small mousy mouse in your hand can get you behind bars for accessing somebody’s personal (usually nonsense) files (you know that somebody stole my undies file), but as well put you in a position where you can wipe that ice-cream thrown at you with a $500 bill (if you were not in that position nobody would have bothered to waste a ice-cream on your face). As the Matrix says – “Fate it seems does not work without a sense of irony”, getting to the unfathomable truths nevertheless get you depressed, but as well save a bit of future bad luck, which would otherwise cause you immense pain to such an extent that the pain is no longer pain but pure numbness, but for those who still fancy touch screen refrigerators and suck-‘em-all vacuum machines, here’s what I can tell about such a gadget Computer. Ever wondered how the computer ever works, or rather wondered how everything works in such so called harmoniously irritating fashion so as to make almost half the computer programmers go bald (I never said Bill gates was a programmer, actually he was, that was when he was bald and nevertheless when he implanted hair on his bald head he became the CEO of Microsoft) and also always go spend that extra buck on something they themselves have decided as fun, like for example paying money in a disco and then dancing to their tunes, not that they do anything remotely different in their offices, but the only difference being that they are paid in the office and they pay in the disco. This is my sincerest effort (that’s what all writers claim so do I) to bring about all the delicate at the same time not so delicate intricacies which may and shall develop into complicacies and yet stay under the scope of this handbook which is infinite. To begin with we shall understand the need for a computer; I first felt the need when I was in school as I really needed a computer for the simple reason that it was a computer and not a calculator or even worse a washing machine. But that’s not a reason many people will accept, for example a friend of mine vxdq.zll of sentisoft ’23 believes that a computer can replace a flower vase very well as he would save himself the time to think about how to fill the rest of the table and also have space to put his coffee cup (the cup he got as a present on his birthday that says “we had an excess of these as coffee is the only relief from the aches you induce on our little heads”) and those sheets of paper that he usually wanted to keep in sight (not the very important things like bills and stuff but those unnecessary things like the copyright sheet of the comic “old baboon and the not so old baboon”). Mr. zqrtt.xkz of nottotell believes that computers can replace shavers, toothbrushes, soaps, deodorants and also save you clothes as the other person he’s chatting with doesn’t really get to see him unless both have a perfectly working webcam at their place which is quite nicely impossible since zqrtt.xkz wouldn’t buy a web cam to show off his yellow teeth and the other guy would spend some money on the sit-stand-cycle-run-walk-jog computer chair newly available than buy zqrtt.xkz a webcam. Well, but then you would really need a computer atleast to stay updated on the upgrades which you wouldn’t bother if you did not own a computer. But since you get a mouse and a keyboard along with it you can keep fiddling with it until you really get bored of both of them and decide to use the track ball or the joystick instead. The best thing about a computer is you can switch it when you want and also switch it off when you do not want to want to switch it on, but there is another state where you can just sit and blink at the computer and do nothing as you are expecting it do nothing and helping it do nothing, actually you’re doing nothing, so this state of finding anything in nothing is something that all cyber czars wish to stay in. And as for the kids, it’s a great place to spend their extra hours on the computer while the elders are busy watching channel 21+. But most important of all, the public sector workers are the ones really benefited with the computers, passing comments on the private LAN is not only more secure and swift than otherwise (the usual winking or paper chits which get caught in between by your boss), as well they can send each other visual comments without the boss noticing. But then regardless of who wants a computer and why, the manufacturers are making one heck of money, and all this comes from what? Sand, dear old sand that people seldom miss out on the beaches of Miami or Australia (it’s not their fault that the undergarments have smartly outgrown the outer ones). This handbook aims at bringing down the monopolized world of computer hardware and software tycoons and creating what is called the computer democracy which is a body directly controlled by the authority for the development and research for computer democracy directly governed by the ruling party which in turn is the sister concern of the hardware and software tycoons around the globe and hence my sincerest request is to abide by the laws of this committee whatsoever they might command us. BUILDING A COMPUTER Building a computer or as it is called assembling by the so called techies (this handbook describes techies as people who use technology just for the sake of using it and at the end of the day still don’t wish to find out what the actual use of the gadget is, there have been cases of techies getting lost in a remote jungles in Africa just to find out how their GPS works and have been still reported missing as they didn’t realize that the red button was to switch it off and the green to switch it on, which they confused for artwork) is not much of an art or a skillful job or something very unthinkably intellectual by nature as it really seems. First of all you’ll need a couple of things before you get started. 1. Ignorance-o-bliss cabinet: To put all those things that are tough to understand in a single metal box so as to make things simpler and save yourself some thinking you’d otherwise have to do, incase you had all those wires and other things dangling outside. 2. Card-o-board motherboard: Now that you have a cabinet, it’s very obvious to think of what to put in next into it. Since it’s made to fit a card-o-board motherboard you’ll obviously have to put in a card-o-board motherboard. 3. Job-o-less processor: We call the heart of the computer a processor, but as the name itself suggests it’s the heart and not the brain and hence does less thinking and thus does some non required jobs like infinite loops or big delays in some cases just to keep itself busy, ‘coz this hearty thing doesn’t sit quite even for a second, you know kinda jobless (like me). 4. Silica-o-chip RAM: The motherboard by itself may not look too complete or more computer like, unless you put those extra accessories, but then anything bigger than the motherboard is not appreciated in the computer society for motherboard purposes hence the chocolate bar sized RAM chip. 5. Small-o-huge hard disk: This just fits to give that extra width to your cabinet, but also does some storing and things like that, but that’s not the real advantage, the real advantage is that you can boast of having a bigger hard disk (if you have one), bigger as not in the literal sense, but bigger as in, small but big, as in small in size but big in space, as in small to look at, but not really small but pretty huge, the size of a big library may be, you kinda of know what I mean right? If not “Well whatever, never mind” (WWNM). 6. Fill-o-space drives: These are those extra storage media drives like Floppies (it’s the biggest flop in the history of computers, now you know why it’s called a floppy) and CD-ROMS extra which are just required to fit the extra width of the cabinet, it would rather look very odd if only a hard disk fitted the space, why else would somebody need a storage media as unreliable as a floppy when one had a hard disk, let apart the money making tactics.
.......to be contd. |
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